Jokes

[xab0r]

Put your favourite jokes here.
Let's start with a classic one:

Kevin goes to the farmer and sees that the farmer is putting pink dust in the ground.
Kevin: Why are you putting pink dust in the ground?
Farmer: To keep elephants away so they don't destroy my farmland.
Kevin: But farmer, elephants don't live in Scotland!
Farmer: You see, it works! That's because of the pink dust.

[Eldie]

*Ahem*
Here's a very long joke.

A man was driving on the highway.
Suddenly he spots a small sign on the side of the road: "Pink Panther 1000 Meters"
A bit further on he sees another sign which was bigger: "Pink Panther 500 Meters"
Another few meters further he sees a gigantic sign: "Pink Panther 1 Meter, turn left!"
The man was curious, so he went left and ended up at a very old house.
He got out of the car and went to the house.
There was another sign next to the door: "For Pink Panther, Knock 3 times"
The man knocks on the door and a small old man opened the door.
"Are you here for the pink panther?" the old man asked, the man replied "yes".
"Follow me." said the old man, so he did.
They went to the basement and the old man opened 5 higly secured doors, with eye scanning and everything.
They ended up in a dark room, the old man turned on the light and in the middle of the room there was a gigantic pink panther asleep in a cage.
Suddenly the phone rang upstairs, "That's my mother" the old man said "I'll be back in a bit, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO. DONT TOUCH HIM"
The man started looking at the panther and wondered if it was real.
He walked up to the cage and touched the panther.
The panther opened it's eyes and started going wild in the cage.
The panther broke open the cage and the man ran out of the house.
The man jumped in his car whilst the panther was still chasing him.
The man passed the 3 signs again, but the panther was still chasing him!
Suddenly the man had to dodge an obstacle on the road and flew out of his front window against a tree.
Whilst laying against the tree heavily wounded he sees the panther slowly walking up to him.
The panther came really close, lifted his claw, and said "Tag you're it".



Also, xab isn't that an Urbanus joke?

[xab0r]

An American, a brit and a rus were talking.
The brit said: "In Great-Britain we dug 100 meters down and found copper wire. That means we had copper wires 200 years ago."
The American and the rus were laughing.
The American answered: "In America we dug down 150 meters and found fibre optic cable. That means we had fibre optic cables 300 years ago."
The rus was laughing.
The rus said: "That is nothing compared to us, Russians. We dug down 300 meters and found nothing!"
The American and the brit said: "But nothing... it's nothing!"
The rus answered: "excactly, that means 600 years ago we already had wireless internet!"


Eldie, I dont know. I know that one from friends.

[Eldie]

There u go

3 men were having an argument about what's the fastest thing.
The first man said: "Lightning is the quickest! You see a flash and boom it hit the surface!"
The second man said: "Pfft. Light is quicker, I touch the light switch and BOOM. The entire room is lit."
The third man said: "Those things are all slow, poop is the fastest!"
The first and second man looked at eachother and asked "Poop? How can poop be fast?"
The third man replied: "Well, I run as fast as lightning towards the toilet, I turn on the light, and I crapped my pants."

[xab0r]

Another classic one:

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

[Eldie]

Racist jokes are a thing too.

A man was drinking out of a river with only one hand.
Another man passed and screamed "Sir! SIR! That water is toxic! Dont drink that!"
The man drinking didnt reply.
The other man screamed again: "SIR! You shouldnt drink that!"
The man that was drinking turned around and said "I not understand u" with a turkish accent.
The other man shouted: "Drink with 2 hands, it's easier!"

[xab0r]

A canadian, a turk and A belgian where sitting on the roof of a skyscraper.
The Candadian throws again $5
The turk and Belgian ask: why did you do that?
The Canadian answers: In canada, we have enough money.
Then the turk throws again some sand.
The Canadian and the Belgian ask: Why did you do that?
the turk answers: In my land, we have enough sand.
Finally the Belgian throws the turk of the roof.
The Canadian asks: why did you do that?
The Belgian answers: In Belgium, we have enough turks.

Sorry if there are turks reading, its not ment to be offensive. (its btw todays's joke on the calendar)

[stinkypeate]

ok my turn

Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house.
Police: Yay

[Nilso™]

IDK why, but in Sweden we have this guy thats always the like dumb guy in jokes, his name, is Bellman (It isn't really a joke, but its joke-related)
Is there something similar in your country?

[Enderfive]

Sept 16, 2014 12:08:35 GMT Nilso™ said:

IDK why, but in Sweden we have this guy thats always the like dumb guy in jokes, his name, is Bellman (It isn't really a joke, but its joke-related)
Is there something similar in your country?

Yes, Juku.